Yogini, Artist, Mother Musings

A lot of us feel we didn't get the mothers or the mothering we deserved. That is fair to feel. We probably didn't. But we did our best as mother's of our own kids, right? So it must be fair to assume that they did their best too. I know I was mad at my mom for years. I even did cruel things to myself just to punish her on some subconscious level. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity was all a form of rebellion to get back at my mom who had been so unjust to me. She did me the ultimate unjust. She didn't love me. I don't know if that is entirely true or not but she had postpartum depression or something of the sort when I was just newly born. It didn't kick in months or weeks later like it does some mothers. She had it the minute I was born and maybe even before that. Did we ever bond the moment I came into the scene? I don't know but I know on a cellular level I felt her sadness. I took it on to ease her pain maybe. And I felt unloved and cared for because sh

I received so much peace last night from Babaji night. Waves upon waves of healing energy washed over me. Tears poured down my cheeks as I held Kala close to my heart. Joh next to me. Sorry Joh, sometimes I get angry and it hurts you. I apologize. The hurt I held in my heart was washed away. To the point that I don’t even feel the need to address it. I will be here but I will be free. Thank you Babaji for your healing touch of light and joy. You are eternal, beloved by us 3.

Something happened the other that day that sparked all this healing. I spoke with my friend Silvia on the phone. Something was coming out. Something was bothering me. Why hadn’t I wanted to see my mom since arriving home. Why was I feeling guilty about being home alone, with the baby? Why was I feeling useless just being here? I went inside as Silvia coaxed me to go deep past the surface. "Mom, why weren’t you there"? Why was I feeling so alone at birth. Why was I scared and frightened? I felt she wasn’t there. She was sad, she was focusing on herself not me. I felt alone. I felt scared and threatened by the entry, the hospital staff, the lights, sounds and way which I was being handled. I felt as if I would be die, as if they might kill me. I felt fearful and afraid, I felt alone. The feeling of loneliness or being alone, was associated in my mind as death. Which is my my whole life I was constantly trying to mask or hide from the feeling of being alone. I

I’ve been hiding from my shadow like it’s the boogie man. Afraid to look at what’s been making me sad. N ot wanting to look at what’s been bothering me. Feeling not acknowledged. Blaming my partner has been a part of the projection/diversion. Part of the other diversion from this feeling has been keeping myself very, very busy. And not really taking the time to just look and be with myself. So I did, I found some music and I just listened. I started to cry. I found myself tearing up realizing I wasn’t trusting the process. I was worrying about money because I knew that meant getting the support I needed at my birth, from a Doulah or someone like that. But, what I actually wasn’t trusting was that the support would be there for me. I also wasn’t trusting fully my partner to show up emotionally though I know he can and in this space of relaxed knowing, I know he will. I knew what I wanted but hadn’t yet vocalized it to those around me. I hadn’t yet asked for what I

I'm at Ananda village and it's Valentines day. Just another day of the year but if you think it special, it becomes that way. Today I had little or no expectation. It's just another day and my love is all the way in the Philippines but some sweetness showered down all the same. I've mentioned my connection with St. Therese before. St Therese is known as the Little flower. She showers her devotees with roses and there has been miracle after miracle of stories of these account.  My grandmother began to introduce me to St. Therese as I was really young because she also shared a sweet connection with this Saint and the miracles that had been performed due to her intercessions. Today was no exception. As I was leaving the house today, I happened to open a small book I had brought with me on vacation to Ananda. I felt the prompting to open it, and as I did a small card of the image of St. Therese dropped out. Silently I thanked her for showing up. Later, as I walked i

I feel contented. It's a feeling that only being pregnant can really explain. When you are content, there is this super peaceful, calm, relaxed feeling. Like everything is ok.  I guess every time, day is different. I feel super peaceful today, feeling at peace with my husband Jo helps a lot with that. When we are in harmony and working together, life seems a little easier, a little brighter. I guess the key is to leave room for communication to happen naturally. We are both improving. I am learning how to let go more and more and not control how things go. It's amazing how attached I got to this boy. He used to chase me, now I'm the one chasing him sometimes. How can I help it though, he is so shiny. I must be too. I want to describe more this state of pregnancy because it's feeling is so tangible, natural, beautiful....natural. That's the only words I can find to describe it. The feeling that everything will be ok and I don't really have to be or do an