Yogini, Artist, Mother Musings

I received so much peace last night from Babaji night. Waves upon waves of healing energy washed over me. Tears poured down my cheeks as I held Kala close to my heart. Joh next to me. Sorry Joh, sometimes I get angry and it hurts you. I apologize. The hurt I held in my heart was washed away. To the point that I don’t even feel the need to address it. I will be here but I will be free. Thank you Babaji for your healing touch of light and joy. You are eternal, beloved by us 3.

Something happened the other that day that sparked all this healing. I spoke with my friend Silvia on the phone. Something was coming out. Something was bothering me. Why hadn’t I wanted to see my mom since arriving home. Why was I feeling guilty about being home alone, with the baby? Why was I feeling useless just being here? I went inside as Silvia coaxed me to go deep past the surface. "Mom, why weren’t you there"? Why was I feeling so alone at birth. Why was I scared and frightened? I felt she wasn’t there. She was sad, she was focusing on herself not me. I felt alone. I felt scared and threatened by the entry, the hospital staff, the lights, sounds and way which I was being handled. I felt as if I would be die, as if they might kill me. I felt fearful and afraid, I felt alone. The feeling of loneliness or being alone, was associated in my mind as death. Which is my my whole life I was constantly trying to mask or hide from the feeling of being alone. I