Prayer for Peace - Part 2

Something happened the other that day that sparked all this healing.

I spoke with my friend Silvia on the phone. Something was coming out. Something was bothering me. Why hadn’t I wanted to see my mom since arriving home. Why was I feeling guilty about being home alone, with the baby? Why was I feeling useless just being here?
I went inside as Silvia coaxed me to go deep past the surface.
"Mom, why weren’t you there"? Why was I feeling so alone at birth.
Why was I scared and frightened? I felt she wasn’t there.
She was sad, she was focusing on herself not me. I felt alone.

I felt scared and threatened by the entry, the hospital staff, the lights, sounds and way which I was

being handled. I felt as if I would be die, as if they might kill me. I felt fearful and afraid, I felt alone. The feeling of loneliness or being alone, was associated in my mind as death.
Which is my my whole life I was constantly trying to mask or hide from the feeling of being alone.
It’s hard to describe in words the decisions we make as babies as it’s more of feelings about life than structure words or thoughts.

I found myself crying today in bed, “I want my mama”. I was crying for the babe who must have

experienced that feeling and for the older self who, as a pregnant woman, wished her mother would

be a support right now. I haven’t spoke to my mom more than twice since I became

pregnant and she hasn’t really once acknowledged or asked me how I am. How badly do I want that mothering right now.

If I am offering this to myself, than maybe I won’t feel so lonely.

Divine mother is always there for me, I know this. But sometimes I just want that human touch,

the comfort, the reassurance that I am okay. That everything is ok. I never got this as a child and hence my self confidence has been lacking significantly. I find myself wanting validation from Joh, my partner and subtly from others but I know I can only offer it to myself.

On the outside, I know I am a kind, loving, beautiful woman.

But that hurt child, she’s suffered so many years and it’s her subconscious that needs healing.

Can I help her and hold her? Yes. When I remember and writing this message is helping me to do so, now.

I love you. I thank you for your support and listening. And if you read this, send me a note or a

message.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. - Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian prayer for peace)