Mothers, Grandmother, Women

Today I feel it's hard emotionally to be pregnant. I feel alone and I wish I had a mother to reach out to. Funny thing is of course I have a mother, but she is not there, available to me. She has e-mailed me once acknowledging my pregnancy since I became pregnant almost 5 months ago. I don't know who to reach out when I'm down and need support and I feel myself blaming others. For not being there for me or allowing me to be taken care of the way I need. Maybe I push others away before they can disappoint me. Disappoint and hurt are the same words. I'm hurt. I feel hurt by the lack of support I received in my life from my mother in particular. I think it reflects the unhealthy places I sought for that lacking support earlier in my life. More and more over the years I have found skills such as mediation, reading, writing, art, to support me. But still, sometimes nothing replaces the Mother. Mother Divine has been a constant solace for me over the years, and when I find myself crying to her, she answers. But I'm like a hurt child, I want her here now, in front of me. I wonder how my siblings feel? I know it has affected them as well to be disconnected from our original mother source. My mom was a very selfish lady but I can't blame her. She had 4 kids and never felt supported herself. Even though she had the most loving mother of all. How strange. I am grateful for my grandmother, who has passed on and maybe I should pray to her again more often. I always found comfort in her presence whether living or beyond.

It doesn't help that I am at home away from Janaka. He is at work and it can be lonely in this country which I feel estranged too much of the time. I feel anywhere else, Canada, US, I feel comfortable to just walk around, dress how I feel and be myself. Here, I feel somewhat defensive and guarded because I stick out more and there is not the kind of comfortable living here I am use to back home. I want to be honest when I say I have been very uncomfortable here. I love the Philippines but Manila as a city has never really quite gelled with me. My inspiration seems to die quickly and my energy levels are hard to maintain despite healthy food and rest. I don't know. When I am away from here, I feel so alive. Is that a sign? Yes, I think it is.

I feel really happy to share this and even though I'm not sure who reads this, I find solace in writing my thoughts out. I wonder, there must be other moms or moms to be who feel similarly.

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