Yogini, Artist, Mother Musings

When you're a kid, you think your parent's have it all figured out. But when you become a parent your self, you realize you never have it all figured out. So how could they? They're only human. Compassion ensues.

A lot of us feel we didn't get the mothers or the mothering we deserved. That is fair to feel. We probably didn't. But we did our best as mother's of our own kids, right? So it must be fair to assume that they did their best too. I know I was mad at my mom for years. I even did cruel things to myself just to punish her on some subconscious level. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity was all a form of rebellion to get back at my mom who had been so unjust to me. She did me the ultimate unjust. She didn't love me. I don't know if that is entirely true or not but she had postpartum depression or something of the sort when I was just newly born. It didn't kick in months or weeks later like it does some mothers. She had it the minute I was born and maybe even before that. Did we ever bond the moment I came into the scene? I don't know but I know on a cellular level I felt her sadness. I took it on to ease her pain maybe. And I felt unloved and cared for because sh...

I received so much peace last night from Babaji night. Waves upon waves of healing energy washed over me. Tears poured down my cheeks as I held Kala close to my heart. Joh next to me. Sorry Joh, sometimes I get angry and it hurts you. I apologize. The hurt I held in my heart was washed away. To the point that I don’t even feel the need to address it. I will be here but I will be free. Thank you Babaji for your healing touch of light and joy. You are eternal, beloved by us 3.

Something happened the other that day that sparked all this healing. I spoke with my friend Silvia on the phone. Something was coming out. Something was bothering me. Why hadn’t I wanted to see my mom since arriving home. Why was I feeling guilty about being home alone, with the baby? Why was I feeling useless just being here? I went inside as Silvia coaxed me to go deep past the surface. "Mom, why weren’t you there"? Why was I feeling so alone at birth. Why was I scared and frightened? I felt she wasn’t there. She was sad, she was focusing on herself not me. I felt alone. I felt scared and threatened by the entry, the hospital staff, the lights, sounds and way which I was being handled. I felt as if I would be die, as if they might kill me. I felt fearful and afraid, I felt alone. The feeling of loneliness or being alone, was associated in my mind as death. Which is my my whole life I was constantly trying to mask or hide from the feeling of being alone. I...

I’ve been hiding from my shadow like it’s the boogie man. Afraid to look at what’s been making me sad. N ot wanting to look at what’s been bothering me. Feeling not acknowledged. Blaming my partner has been a part of the projection/diversion. Part of the other diversion from this feeling has been keeping myself very, very busy. And not really taking the time to just look and be with myself. So I did, I found some music and I just listened. I started to cry. I found myself tearing up realizing I wasn’t trusting the process. I was worrying about money because I knew that meant getting the support I needed at my birth, from a Doulah or someone like that. But, what I actually wasn’t trusting was that the support would be there for me. I also wasn’t trusting fully my partner to show up emotionally though I know he can and in this space of relaxed knowing, I know he will. I knew what I wanted but hadn’t yet vocalized it to those around me. I hadn’t yet asked for what I...

I'm at Ananda village and it's Valentines day. Just another day of the year but if you think it special, it becomes that way. Today I had little or no expectation. It's just another day and my love is all the way in the Philippines but some sweetness showered down all the same. I've mentioned my connection with St. Therese before. St Therese is known as the Little flower. She showers her devotees with roses and there has been miracle after miracle of stories of these account.  My grandmother began to introduce me to St. Therese as I was really young because she also shared a sweet connection with this Saint and the miracles that had been performed due to her intercessions. Today was no exception. As I was leaving the house today, I happened to open a small book I had brought with me on vacation to Ananda. I felt the prompting to open it, and as I did a small card of the image of St. Therese dropped out. Silently I thanked her for showing up. Later, as I walked i...

I feel contented. It's a feeling that only being pregnant can really explain. When you are content, there is this super peaceful, calm, relaxed feeling. Like everything is ok.  I guess every time, day is different. I feel super peaceful today, feeling at peace with my husband Jo helps a lot with that. When we are in harmony and working together, life seems a little easier, a little brighter. I guess the key is to leave room for communication to happen naturally. We are both improving. I am learning how to let go more and more and not control how things go. It's amazing how attached I got to this boy. He used to chase me, now I'm the one chasing him sometimes. How can I help it though, he is so shiny. I must be too. I want to describe more this state of pregnancy because it's feeling is so tangible, natural, beautiful....natural. That's the only words I can find to describe it. The feeling that everything will be ok and I don't really have to be or do an...

Today I feel it's hard emotionally to be pregnant. I feel alone and I wish I had a mother to reach out to. Funny thing is of course I have a mother, but she is not there, available to me. She has e-mailed me once acknowledging my pregnancy since I became pregnant almost 5 months ago. I don't know who to reach out when I'm down and need support and I feel myself blaming others. For not being there for me or allowing me to be taken care of the way I need. Maybe I push others away before they can disappoint me. Disappoint and hurt are the same words. I'm hurt. I feel hurt by the lack of support I received in my life from my mother in particular. I think it reflects the unhealthy places I sought for that lacking support earlier in my life. More and more over the years I have found skills such as mediation, reading, writing, art, to support me. But still, sometimes nothing replaces the Mother. Mother Divine has been a constant solace for me over the years, and when I find my...

Already here I am. I made it through. Second Trimester, I never thought you'd come.  Being pregnant is such a strange phenomenon. Like growing a human inside of you, should that ever feel quite normal? Well I can tell you it's one of the most natural feelings to be carrying a child as well as one of the toughest transitions I've ever made. It's so hard some days. The fatigue, the weird vaginal contractions (expanding uterus), mood swings, vaginal discharge yellowing my underwear and the weird aches, pains and other things which come and go. Say goodbye to meditation practice. Well, at least a regular routine one. What will it be like when the baby comes? I'm so excited yet I am not quite ready to meet him or her. Not quite yet. Still time to gestate. Both of us. How fun, everyone is so excited that we've chosen not to know the gender. It is fun in a world full of technology to break away from the new norm and go back to the old fashioned element of surprise....

I woke up feeling human today! No nausea, no sleepiness. I even smelt bacon wafting in the air and felt ok. I showered, energized, ate one whole large papaya, drank water and felt like a decent human being. Wow! I'm so happy. It's been tough the last 3 months for me to drink water, for some reason water has not appealed to me much. I'm not sure if it's the temp or it's not the purest, freshest, spring fed, alkaline water but it's been tough to drink enough. This morning and the last few days I've been able to start incorporating citrus back into my diet which is so satisfying. I couldn't stand anything sour for 3 whole months. Everything I ate had to be bland, bland, bland. I am not even kidding you. Mashed potato with some salt and a little nutritional yeast was one of the most appealing dishes for awhile and something I could stomach. Oh and I stopped eating greens completely which was so disconcerting. I was a salad person up until pregnancy, wit...

Let me just say, I am so happy to be sharing on here. It feels like such solace to be able to just let out and share what I've been experiencing this last 3 months. I'm pregnant! Yes, what a big feat it feels like and then to make it through the first trimester. And to finally share it with everyone! I was mostly conservative in my sharing as I've heard of women miscarrying and just wanted to be sure that wasn't an option.  I am 13 weeks now and in the safe zone, I hear that I am through the worst of it. I am keeping that in the background of my mind though right now I still feel far from the finish line. It has been such a go for me honestly. Since we officially found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, it was like, oh boy, I can't stand that smell. I mean I knew a bit about morning sickness but nothing could have prepared me for this. Before conceiving I felt like the picture of health and my diet was so clean that I figured I would definitely avoid any harsh sympt...

I live in the Philippines. I am a Canadian citizen, born and raised and now a permanent resident of the Philippines. I married my Filipino/Canadian husband just over 1 year ago, but we have lived here in Manila for over 3 years. A long time to be in Manila some would say, especially for someone who comes from Vancouver, Canada. A place unmatched in it’s natural beauty, Vancouver’s cityscape wraps around English Bay, a sparkling body of water which shines with a sunny glow, bouncing off the glass windows of the surrounding city. Tall mountains surround Vancouver like a protective cove and are close enough to be reached within an hour or less for hiking, skiing and picnicking.  Vancouver's metropolitan area itself is an international site with every nationality intermingled to create one big West Coast family. There is a certain harmony among the races, as for many years, the groups have learnt to live peacefully amongst each other. Vancouver is also known worldwide for ...

I just want to acknowledge the fact that I have fabulous women in my life. And that speaks loudly for me as well. I started off life with a rough start having a relationship with a mother who I always felt slightly estranged from. I sort of cursed God for this fact. But when I look around now, all I see is good women surrounding me in every way and every relationship. I guess God makes up for where we are lacking.

Who would you feel most comfortable pooping around? That's who you love the most.

Being a writer, after getting married I decided to take a little time off work. That little time turned into 3 years. I am glad to be back. I used to write a regular blog. I hope it's the right thing but maybe a new start in the blogging world will be good for me.